Queen Aquarius

Recondite. Wow a new and unfamiliar word for me. Well, it means unknown or most people don't know about it. The Bach. Bahasa Melayu is a recondite course in Malaysia because people might think since you were born as a Malaysian and the language itself is your mother tongue, there is no exigency to continue your study in such courses. Ok hold on, I think I have been blathering. The intention that I want to write today is because I desire to improve my English writing. I keep learning new words every day, but the words will be wiped off from my mind on the next day. After all this while, I learn I forget. 

For the past couple days, the world I mean the 'Hollywood World' was startled by the Justin Bieber and Hailey Baldwin engagement. I knew about it right after I woke up on a Monday morning. I was surprised but not amazed. Justin is 24 years old and that petty girl is only 21 years old and now they think it is the right decision to engage? As they believe both are incomparable, I have a feeling that this relationship won't last in the long run. They aren't on their mettle to face the hustles during the journey. Many of us know how romance in Hollywood works. Even Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie split after they have lived together for more than five years I supposed. 

Love, romance is impenetrable and I can see why I am still single and make myself not available. Some people make it looks so amiable and captivating but the truth behind the curtain is as harrowing as you could ever imagine. The reality has put people in a traumatized situation. They are frightened and full of doubts to feel the warmth of love in them and so, they let the tender of loath precedes them. 

Maybe that is why I build a wall between me and H, not because I don't want to let him in but I was dubious about the whole thing and at the same time, I built it in a vain hope I am not going to fall in love or have a feeling on him. I am too young for a relationship and let us be friends and besides, we live in the same neighbourhood so these have pulled us closer. As time goes by, he keeps coming into my life on and off. Sometimes I sense he's using me and turn it for his own benefits. If it does, I will completely go to rack his neck off and drive him in despair. I love him as a friend and because he is different (in a good way). Not to mention that he is a guy. As you can see how obscure it is for me to have a guy friend since most guys see me as an uptight and anxious girl with a mundane personality and fashion style. Anyway, I don't lose anything if H go away and leave me because I used to live without his existence before he knocked at the door of my life. And so did his world. 

Other than that, it makes me feel fret not to tell my mom about him. Because I don't want she knows I am close to H in a way that could bring up into the sceptical situation. She should know that me and H are just friends and at the same time we might go out just two of us, but that doesn't indicate we are together as a couple and to make me speaks about it to her whom is known as a strict, dignified woman, devoted, faithful to Islam is not that simple. But the urge to tell her right away is being irritated by the dismay of her utterance. I don't want to be an unfaithful daughter and makes her feel disgruntled.

I love her but I don't want to see my relationship with him ended too. Damn.

Hello there. How are you? Well, I have no idea whether I still have a follower who would enjoy reading my posts on this blog. Why there is none tell me how bad my grammar was. I feel disgrace and cringe at some point to myself while reading my previous post. I cannot clarify whether it was because of the dismal or did my grammar and writing that pathetic? God, I wish as the time flies, my grammar and writing and speaking have been improving or I just want to cave myself up from this world. I feel bad for myself because I love English and it is my dream to speak and write fluently smoothly in this language so none can disparage me and make fun of it. Well, now I need to work hard and do the best as I can as I still live, that is the time I have to keep learning and practising. Isn't that how the thing works out?. 

Lets move on. How was my day today? Well, I went to a Jamuan Hari Raya at Syahmi's school and it had not been so bad. The food was delightful and the most exciting thing was I wore Cakenis Lush Satin in purple and it makes me look wonderful and luminous. KAH! Perasan sebentar. Other else was about H. It has been I'd say almost a week we haven't spoken to each other I mean in a real conversation as we keep having the rough one prolly. There is no denying that I miss him and I actually wish he'd spend his leisure time by texting me instead just open up and watch the pictures I've posted on social media. It seems that I am the only one who feels this way and he doesn't. Therefore, there is no one need to be blamed because we both know what is our relationship up to. Maybe both have furtive feelings, but choose to keep it this way so no one gets hurt. God, am I the only one who wants more than just a friend? Yet, I don't fully penetrate the feeling and it might just a tender that is fleeting. Let's wait and see how far it goes. For now, I will just have to hold on even I have to admit it aches. 

Today is the day I got my result. When the day comes, everyone is expecting for something good, or at least a little happiness and something that is good to hear and see into. While there are some, want to have a flying colour in order to pass and pursue on to the next chapter of education. Unfortunately, my life today is not as I expected, as I dream. Sometimes, I feel like I don't deserve to have a dream because whenever I did, it will end up something painful and dwindle. I live, stand, smile until today for the sake of my mere family. I don’t have anyone in my life that supports me. Not to forget, my best friend, I couldn’t be so happy and thankful because they accept me regardless of my results and past. The real intention I am writing this blog just to bare my thoughts and feelings. I'm in dismal and solemn and right now I don’t really feel like to have a conversation with anyone here especially in the campus. Not because I have some trust issues, however, the reason behind it is because I failed in a task (I guess so). I wished I'd pass it because, during the examination, I did my best already.

Could you imagine how pathetic it is when you have done your best, but in the end, you failed? I wasn't expecting this and due to this, I am out of motivations and I've been drowning in frustration. What I am thinking right now is the recoil and disappointment from my parents. Who cares about you if it is not your own family. There is none of your friends do care, they are just going to show the attentiveness, but at the end of the day, they will be like nehhh. I know how true it was because I used to be that kind of person before. I don’t need any inducement to spark up my mood. Sorry, it won't work, not at all. If your friend is uptight or sad, and the debacle is the real reason, after all, you have to HELP her or him, in a way more professional. For instance, if she failed in Calculus, why don’t you teach her, give several significant tips to overcome the problems she bears. Motivations, I did hunt them for the sake of myself. 

Now, I’m pretty lost and in the middle of uncertain feeling since I have no idea what I ought to do up next. I'm in indefinite right now to resit the paper again or not. I hope my result will meet my expectation since I have made the payment for rechecking the papers. Oh dear, I am struggling to be an optimist. It does hurt me so bad. I have a doubt about my future, my live, everything. I think this is the beginning of the depression, I'm not sure. Whenever I wake up, this distressing news promptly crosses my mind and all I just wish is go back to sleep and never wake up again. Therefore, the sins of mine are countless and I haven't repented for what I have done. I'm ashamed of myself. Such an ungrateful slave and disgusted. At this moment, I feel like Allah is the One who stands for me, supports my back. He the most Merciful knows I was crying devastatingly and I believe, He has His own reasons for letting what had happened. I felt embarrassed and now, what is more significant is I just have to move on. A failure should be a new strike to get into another stellar journey. Adios!

Life becomes harder. Does anyone ever tell you the truth of life? How much you need to spend in your daily until you unable to treat yourself. What taxes you must cover when you have a job. Money is everything but money cant buy happiness. What if my happiness from a price tag then im poor. I really am. My soul isn't there anymore. Life is getting insatiable and nonsense, clamor me to have a depression and emptiness. I seek for GOD, I seek for peace. However, I fall. I hurt. I am alone. College's life is completely different from high school. I have no close friends (and i neglect to find one heh). Everyone such a selfish, stubborn, cruel and miserable. Clever High IQ students everywhere and I am such a potato girl with potato mind. I dont belong there. I DONT BELONG ANYWHERE EITHER. It keeps toring me when all my carrymarks are miserable and severe while others classmates are completely perform and succeed. Haih. I shouldnt believe my successes are on a slip of paper, its on Allah's WILL. All I have to do is not giving up and moving on. Im afraid, scared, tempest, hurt with the future and tremendous of expectations on me. In high school, the feelings weren't feeling real, it felt like I was with my friends together getting through the journey and facing obstacles. They always there to cheer me up and that is why until now, it's hard for me myself to move on from high school's life to unexplained college's life. I love them(my classmates and best friends so bad) I really do. I never think about my life would be such an empty can when the journey was over. 

Assalamualaikum

Hi.

Welcome back to my "awe-inspiring" blog.

H a H a

Sure, tanpa membuang masa dan tenaga anda memandangkan para pembaca banyak lagi perkara yang perlu dilakukan misalnya assignment. Mari kita teruskan membaca tips yang aku nak beri. Before that, tips atau life saver wtvr it is, just based on my experiments. and also from orang yang boleh dipercayai (?) Belajar ni bukanlah 1 perkara mudah. Tak mudah nak ingat, nak masuk dalam kepala yang sempit pemikiran tuh. uhuhu k k. Memandangkan aku dan rakan-rakan seperjuangan telah lalui liku liku kehidupan sebagai pelajar sekolah menengah malah menjadi alumni yang berjaya ambil 11 subjek. Ya SEBELAS. Sebenarnya 12. MANA SATU NIH! KEJAP 11 KEJAP 12.  Okay, dalam SLIP SPM 20XX kami tersenarai 11 Subjek dan 1 subjek yang tambahan tu merupakan subjek KKQ. APAKAH KKQ? KELAS KEMAHIRAN AL-QURAN. Itu out of topics. okay Ambil 11 subjek SPM bukan mudah untuk kami. APA BENDA LAH SUBJEK HAKAK NI AMIK DUH BANYAK BANYAK EN? TAMAK BETOL XD. Jangan begitu awak. Nak tahu subjek apa aku ceburi dan tips nya boleh tekan di SINI .

Menjadi pelajar belajar 11 subjek sebenarnya sukar, lagi lagi wawasan negara kita ingin lahirkan generasi yang seimbang, hebat akademik dan kokurikulum. Jadi, kau kena aktif dalam kokurikulum jugak. Tapi dalam masa sama, success dalam akademik. Gitew. Malangnya, (mula nak beralasan ni huhu) tak dapat dinafikan, kelas orang macam aku ni jadual dia pack. Melarut sampai ke petang. Kalau subjek kacang goreng kacang rebus, kacang tanah tidak mengapa. Mahu dapat subjek killer. Killer dia tusuk dalam betul. Dapat pulak dekat orang macam aku, cepat confuse, tak faham sangat hahaha. Maunya kalau skip class, terus ZERO. Jadi, setiap masa anda berada dalam kelas, pastikan sentiasa fokus. Betul, fokus dalam kelas membantu banyak. Biarpun tak faham, kalau kau dengar perkataan perkataan yang cikgu sebut tu pon jadilah biar familiar nama nama penting. Nanti kita ulang kaji balik, boleh refresh dan cuba ingat apa yang kita faham. Disebabkan itu, kehadiran aku tahun lepas 100%. *SAJEBAGITAHU* . 

Homeworkssss aku yang menggunung umpama bukit broga (HIPERBOLA JE) tuh, aku INSHAA-ALLAH cuba siapkan. Kadang-kadang, kau buat nota sejarah sampai larut malam lenguh tangan bagai tu berbaloi ke hahahaa. Kemudian, kau buat laporan laporan sains tu tapi cikgu tak tanda berbaloi ke? Hahahaha. Hah gelak gelak. Berbaloi sebenarnya. Pada aku, biarlah cikgu tak check pon. Menjadi tanggungjawab aku untuk siapkan. Anggap sahaja itu untuk latihan diri kau sendiri supaya lebih berdisiplin dan luangkan masa menulis. Bila cikgu tanya dah siap ke belom, biarpun cikgu tak tanda, pastikan kau cakap SUDAH DAN MEMANG KAU DAH SIAP. Bagi aku, bila kau siapkan tugasan tugasan yang cikgu berikan, dari situ kau sebenarnya nak berkat cikgu. Betul tak? Sekurang-kurangnya, bila cikgu bagi kau kertas-kertas soalan ke apa, bila mereka suruh kau tampal dalam buku, klip dalam file. PLEASE PLEASE BUAT JE. Percayalah, bila mereka lihat usaha kecil kita yang tampal latihan kertas mereka berikan dalam buku, klip kemas kemas dalam file, mesti buat mereka rasa dihargai. Pada aku, biar kita tak pandai, sebab kita memang tak pandai, tapi tunjuklah effort kita. Kesungguhan kita kepada mereka. Kita TETAP nak belajar walaupun selalu failed subjek dia hahaha. Cikgu sentiasa percayakan orang yang bersungguh-sungguh. Kesungguhan yang istiqamah, membantu kau dalam apa jua aspek. Perkara tu yang bernilai. Siapkan kerja sekolah anda ye hikhik. Inshaa - Allah keberkatannya ada. Janji LILLAHI TAALA. PLUS JANGAN LUPA BAWA BARANG STATIONARY KAU SENDIRI MACAM GUNTING GAM BAWALAH SENDIRI. ASYIK PINJAM JE HMM.

Dari sudut kokurikulum, aku ni bukanlah aktif bebenor hahaha. Tapi dapatlah sijil BAKAT KOKURIKULUM tahun lepas hahahaha. k k Untuk nak aktif dalam kokurikulum, aktif time korang TINGKATAN 4, means, kalau ada apa apa sukan yang korang hebat boleh sertai masa anda 16 tahun. Tapi pastikan anda tak skip class. NO NO. Keep update with studies. Bila dah FORM 5 memang kena minimize koko sebab dah nak ESPIYEM. Yeah. Time form 5, rebut lah segala jawatan setiap kelab anda sertai. Untuk dapat pointer koko tinggi, make sure ambil jawatan yang terttinggi, means daripada jawatan Bendahari ke atas. Sebab tu banyak scholarship pandang. Walau bagaimanapun, anda perlulah jalankan tugas anda dengan AMANAH DAN JUJUR YE. Menjadi sebagai PENGAWAS / PENGAWAS PSS / PENGAWAS RAKAN SEBAYA juga membantu untuk pointer koko anda tinggi. Jangan lupa cuba dapatkan AJK TERTINGGI setiap badan tersebut. SILA JALANKAN TUGAS YE. 

Seterusnya. memandangkan aku ni pelajar agama. Hmmm bukan lain tak de agama huhu. Aku pelajar yang belajar lebih mendalam tentang agama islam hah gitu. Bila kau ni macam dah kena chop / label sebagai pelajar kelas agama, banyaklah orang pandang dan pasti pikir mereka kita warak, hafal Quran etc. Basicnya, menutup aurat sempurna. Biasanya, pelajar agama ni bertudung labuh. Well, i am not. But im still wearing scarf yang menutup aurat. Inshaa-Allah. Okay, pada aku benda ni berat sebab aku dan rakan rakan kena melambangkan apa yang kami belajar, Misalnya,nyanyi, buat persembahan menari memang tidak sesuai lah. Apatah lagi nak bercinta. Pendek kata, kami ni perlu jadi contoh pelajar mithali kepada yang lain. Dan aku bersetuju lah apa yang ustazah aku katakan, perlu buat perkara yang boleh menjadi contoh kepada yang lain. Sejak belakangan ni, aku dapat lihat, orang yang belajar agama yang lebih ni telah menunjukkan perkara sebaliknya yang tidak patut lah. Siapa tak sedih? Aku sendiri sedih dengan diri sendiri huhu. Benarlah, iman tak boleh diwarisi dari nama agama dari ibu bapa dari sesiapa pun. Be a Perdana's student, paling penting adalah menjaga ikhtilat anda selain daripada aurat. Kerana segalanya bermula dari anda. Aku pun tak tahu apa aku merapu. Baik saya undur diri. Sebelum aku akhiri kata kata ku, aku selitkan beberapa nasihat dari Ibnul Qayyim rahimahullah.

baca-bacakan.

selamat malam.

wassalam.