Unfortunate New Year
Today is the day I got my result. When the day comes, everyone is expecting for something good, or at least a little happiness and something that is good to hear and see into. While there are some, want to have a flying colour in order to pass and pursue on to the next chapter of education. Unfortunately, my life today is not as I expected, as I dream. Sometimes, I feel like I don't deserve to have a dream because whenever I did, it will end up something painful and dwindle. I live, stand, smile until today for the sake of my mere family. I don’t have anyone in my life that supports me. Not to forget, my best friend, I couldn’t be so happy and thankful because they accept me regardless of my results and past. The real intention I am writing this blog just to bare my thoughts and feelings. I'm in dismal and solemn and right now I don’t really feel like to have a conversation with anyone here especially in the campus. Not because I have some trust issues, however, the reason behind it is because I failed in a task (I guess so). I wished I'd pass it because, during the examination, I did my best already.
Could you imagine how pathetic it is when you have done your best, but in the end, you failed? I wasn't expecting this and due to this, I am out of motivations and I've been drowning in frustration. What I am thinking right now is the recoil and disappointment from my parents. Who cares about you if it is not your own family. There is none of your friends do care, they are just going to show the attentiveness, but at the end of the day, they will be like nehhh. I know how true it was because I used to be that kind of person before. I don’t need any inducement to spark up my mood. Sorry, it won't work, not at all. If your friend is uptight or sad, and the debacle is the real reason, after all, you have to HELP her or him, in a way more professional. For instance, if she failed in Calculus, why don’t you teach her, give several significant tips to overcome the problems she bears. Motivations, I did hunt them for the sake of myself.
Now, I’m pretty lost and in the middle of uncertain feeling since I have no idea what I ought to do up next. I'm in indefinite right now to resit the paper again or not. I hope my result will meet my expectation since I have made the payment for rechecking the papers. Oh dear, I am struggling to be an optimist. It does hurt me so bad. I have a doubt about my future, my live, everything. I think this is the beginning of the depression, I'm not sure. Whenever I wake up, this distressing news promptly crosses my mind and all I just wish is go back to sleep and never wake up again. Therefore, the sins of mine are countless and I haven't repented for what I have done. I'm ashamed of myself. Such an ungrateful slave and disgusted. At this moment, I feel like Allah is the One who stands for me, supports my back. He the most Merciful knows I was crying devastatingly and I believe, He has His own reasons for letting what had happened. I felt embarrassed and now, what is more significant is I just have to move on. A failure should be a new strike to get into another stellar journey. Adios!
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