Queen Aquarius

I just feel like giving up is the easiest way but not the right thing to do at the moment. Well, in life, giving up should not be in our philosophy of my life. It hards to get the shit together again. All I could do is stare at the wall blankly while my heart breaks into pieces. I can't lie no more I'm hurting so bad but the reality is nobody knows. Not that I disallowed them to know or try to hide it but it is more simple to keep it quiet than scream out loud when no one is actually could help you or grab you from falling. or even you fell down, you are the one should try to wake up because nobody will lend a hand to you. God, I do feel ultimately lonely and void. I just want to lay down and cave up myself from the world yet at the same time I want to travel the world and see what's going on around. I miss my family, my friends and my ttm. But all the misses, I'd rather keep it by myself than spewed them out because of the ego in me. 

The syllabus of our education is insane! (for me) I sit for 8 subjects but feels like I'm taking 11 freaking subjects! Me, get your shit together! I cannot. Now, I'm robbing my leisure time by writing my blog because of the disability to keep the voices in my head and the secret in my heart. I just want to let them out. I did try out the inventory test for depression, love life and kerjaya. It has shown that I'm depressed but well, it is inconsistent and might turn into a normal or low result. I only want to go back to the old times or go home. I want to go home desperately. but with the all the quizzes and intolerable assignments, they hold me back from doing the things that I loved. Life is pathetic and eerie. Mom.. dad... I want to go home, please pick me up imminently and let's venture around the world. I want to run from the reality for a day and let out all the grudges, pain and hatred that live inside me. Haih. Dear x, I wish you knew that my college is close to yours and it is our chance to run out and explore the world (I mean Nogori) together or spend our time before it is too late. I do want to tell you but it seems you don't give a care about it so I decided to keep it mute. After all, this is it. It has come to its end. I have to go and finish and studying which and which that might help me in the future. God, seeking knowledge is hard and does make you feel alive but at the same time, I feel like I've been confined in a hideous cage. So the education world or the reality is shaping me to be what they want me to be and I'm the one a beautiful, ivory pigeon hehe inside the cage, obeying their instructions dutifully. Life sucks, well who doesn't. Ciao. 

I wish for the best, especially for my degree course that I'll spend my 3 or 4 years of my life to learn, observe, endure and discover things and lives that will shape me to be the best and stellar person. Therefore, I can get a splendid occupation and worth earnings money. Then, I travel the world on my own or with the love of my life or with my best friend or whoever it is gonna be. Wish me the best. Ameen. May the successes, satisfaction and happiness are with me eternally. 

Recondite. Wow a new and unfamiliar word for me. Well, it means unknown or most people don't know about it. The Bach. Bahasa Melayu is a recondite course in Malaysia because people might think since you were born as a Malaysian and the language itself is your mother tongue, there is no exigency to continue your study in such courses. Ok hold on, I think I have been blathering. The intention that I want to write today is because I desire to improve my English writing. I keep learning new words every day, but the words will be wiped off from my mind on the next day. After all this while, I learn I forget. 

For the past couple days, the world I mean the 'Hollywood World' was startled by the Justin Bieber and Hailey Baldwin engagement. I knew about it right after I woke up on a Monday morning. I was surprised but not amazed. Justin is 24 years old and that petty girl is only 21 years old and now they think it is the right decision to engage? As they believe both are incomparable, I have a feeling that this relationship won't last in the long run. They aren't on their mettle to face the hustles during the journey. Many of us know how romance in Hollywood works. Even Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie split after they have lived together for more than five years I supposed. 

Love, romance is impenetrable and I can see why I am still single and make myself not available. Some people make it looks so amiable and captivating but the truth behind the curtain is as harrowing as you could ever imagine. The reality has put people in a traumatized situation. They are frightened and full of doubts to feel the warmth of love in them and so, they let the tender of loath precedes them. 

Maybe that is why I build a wall between me and H, not because I don't want to let him in but I was dubious about the whole thing and at the same time, I built it in a vain hope I am not going to fall in love or have a feeling on him. I am too young for a relationship and let us be friends and besides, we live in the same neighbourhood so these have pulled us closer. As time goes by, he keeps coming into my life on and off. Sometimes I sense he's using me and turn it for his own benefits. If it does, I will completely go to rack his neck off and drive him in despair. I love him as a friend and because he is different (in a good way). Not to mention that he is a guy. As you can see how obscure it is for me to have a guy friend since most guys see me as an uptight and anxious girl with a mundane personality and fashion style. Anyway, I don't lose anything if H go away and leave me because I used to live without his existence before he knocked at the door of my life. And so did his world. 

Other than that, it makes me feel fret not to tell my mom about him. Because I don't want she knows I am close to H in a way that could bring up into the sceptical situation. She should know that me and H are just friends and at the same time we might go out just two of us, but that doesn't indicate we are together as a couple and to make me speaks about it to her whom is known as a strict, dignified woman, devoted, faithful to Islam is not that simple. But the urge to tell her right away is being irritated by the dismay of her utterance. I don't want to be an unfaithful daughter and makes her feel disgruntled.

I love her but I don't want to see my relationship with him ended too. Damn.

Hello there. How are you? Well, I have no idea whether I still have a follower who would enjoy reading my posts on this blog. Why there is none tell me how bad my grammar was. I feel disgrace and cringe at some point to myself while reading my previous post. I cannot clarify whether it was because of the dismal or did my grammar and writing that pathetic? God, I wish as the time flies, my grammar and writing and speaking have been improving or I just want to cave myself up from this world. I feel bad for myself because I love English and it is my dream to speak and write fluently smoothly in this language so none can disparage me and make fun of it. Well, now I need to work hard and do the best as I can as I still live, that is the time I have to keep learning and practising. Isn't that how the thing works out?. 

Lets move on. How was my day today? Well, I went to a Jamuan Hari Raya at Syahmi's school and it had not been so bad. The food was delightful and the most exciting thing was I wore Cakenis Lush Satin in purple and it makes me look wonderful and luminous. KAH! Perasan sebentar. Other else was about H. It has been I'd say almost a week we haven't spoken to each other I mean in a real conversation as we keep having the rough one prolly. There is no denying that I miss him and I actually wish he'd spend his leisure time by texting me instead just open up and watch the pictures I've posted on social media. It seems that I am the only one who feels this way and he doesn't. Therefore, there is no one need to be blamed because we both know what is our relationship up to. Maybe both have furtive feelings, but choose to keep it this way so no one gets hurt. God, am I the only one who wants more than just a friend? Yet, I don't fully penetrate the feeling and it might just a tender that is fleeting. Let's wait and see how far it goes. For now, I will just have to hold on even I have to admit it aches. 

Today is the day I got my result. When the day comes, everyone is expecting for something good, or at least a little happiness and something that is good to hear and see into. While there are some, want to have a flying colour in order to pass and pursue on to the next chapter of education. Unfortunately, my life today is not as I expected, as I dream. Sometimes, I feel like I don't deserve to have a dream because whenever I did, it will end up something painful and dwindle. I live, stand, smile until today for the sake of my mere family. I don’t have anyone in my life that supports me. Not to forget, my best friend, I couldn’t be so happy and thankful because they accept me regardless of my results and past. The real intention I am writing this blog just to bare my thoughts and feelings. I'm in dismal and solemn and right now I don’t really feel like to have a conversation with anyone here especially in the campus. Not because I have some trust issues, however, the reason behind it is because I failed in a task (I guess so). I wished I'd pass it because, during the examination, I did my best already.

Could you imagine how pathetic it is when you have done your best, but in the end, you failed? I wasn't expecting this and due to this, I am out of motivations and I've been drowning in frustration. What I am thinking right now is the recoil and disappointment from my parents. Who cares about you if it is not your own family. There is none of your friends do care, they are just going to show the attentiveness, but at the end of the day, they will be like nehhh. I know how true it was because I used to be that kind of person before. I don’t need any inducement to spark up my mood. Sorry, it won't work, not at all. If your friend is uptight or sad, and the debacle is the real reason, after all, you have to HELP her or him, in a way more professional. For instance, if she failed in Calculus, why don’t you teach her, give several significant tips to overcome the problems she bears. Motivations, I did hunt them for the sake of myself. 

Now, I’m pretty lost and in the middle of uncertain feeling since I have no idea what I ought to do up next. I'm in indefinite right now to resit the paper again or not. I hope my result will meet my expectation since I have made the payment for rechecking the papers. Oh dear, I am struggling to be an optimist. It does hurt me so bad. I have a doubt about my future, my live, everything. I think this is the beginning of the depression, I'm not sure. Whenever I wake up, this distressing news promptly crosses my mind and all I just wish is go back to sleep and never wake up again. Therefore, the sins of mine are countless and I haven't repented for what I have done. I'm ashamed of myself. Such an ungrateful slave and disgusted. At this moment, I feel like Allah is the One who stands for me, supports my back. He the most Merciful knows I was crying devastatingly and I believe, He has His own reasons for letting what had happened. I felt embarrassed and now, what is more significant is I just have to move on. A failure should be a new strike to get into another stellar journey. Adios!