I just feel like giving up is the easiest way but not the right thing to do at the moment. Well, in life, giving up should not be in our philosophy of my life. It hards to get the shit together again. All I could do is stare at the wall blankly while my heart breaks into pieces. I can't lie no more I'm hurting so bad but the reality is nobody knows. Not that I disallowed them to know or try to hide it but it is more simple to keep it quiet than scream out loud when no one is actually could help you or grab you from falling. or even you fell down, you are the one should try to wake up because nobody will lend a hand to you. God, I do feel ultimately lonely and void. I just want to lay down and cave up myself from the world yet at the same time I want to travel the world and see what's going on around. I miss my family, my friends and my ttm. But all the misses, I'd rather keep it by myself than spewed them out because of the ego in me.
The syllabus of our education is insane! (for me) I sit for 8 subjects but feels like I'm taking 11 freaking subjects! Me, get your shit together! I cannot. Now, I'm robbing my leisure time by writing my blog because of the disability to keep the voices in my head and the secret in my heart. I just want to let them out. I did try out the inventory test for depression, love life and kerjaya. It has shown that I'm depressed but well, it is inconsistent and might turn into a normal or low result. I only want to go back to the old times or go home. I want to go home desperately. but with the all the quizzes and intolerable assignments, they hold me back from doing the things that I loved. Life is pathetic and eerie. Mom.. dad... I want to go home, please pick me up imminently and let's venture around the world. I want to run from the reality for a day and let out all the grudges, pain and hatred that live inside me. Haih. Dear x, I wish you knew that my college is close to yours and it is our chance to run out and explore the world (I mean Nogori) together or spend our time before it is too late. I do want to tell you but it seems you don't give a care about it so I decided to keep it mute. After all, this is it. It has come to its end. I have to go and finish and studying which and which that might help me in the future. God, seeking knowledge is hard and does make you feel alive but at the same time, I feel like I've been confined in a hideous cage. So the education world or the reality is shaping me to be what they want me to be and I'm the one a beautiful, ivory pigeon hehe inside the cage, obeying their instructions dutifully. Life sucks, well who doesn't. Ciao.
